"My" laptop is down

It crashed yesterday. Won't come back up. I know Leo is so busy that it could be some time before I get "my" computer fixed.

Right now I'm using the old laptop. It's up in the guestroom right now, which as of tonight will become my sister-in-law's room. She's coming from China to help me adjust to life with three kids. I am very very glad she is coming, and am even more glad it's her and not my husband's parents (particularly his dad) (because when they were here before it was not great). But I am still anxious about having a long-term guest. I am a mega introvert, not shy and quiet, but very much inward-focused. I NEED time alone, to be alone with my thoughts, or I get very anxious. I don't know what introverts do in China, because there are few people who get to be truly alone simply because of the population and housing issues. This means that I'm not sure my SIL will understand my anxiety, and may think me anti-social, or think that it's her fault. She will be here for at LEAST three months. I don't want this to wreck our relationship.

Kristine at Random and Odd recently had a very unlikely pair of houseguests, and it turned out wonderfully. She recently posted about this, and I'm taking inspiration from her family.

I'm still anxious, but hopeful that it wil work out

Long time coming

(A few of you may have already received this in an e-mail from me, but I couldn't resist posting it here. GO COLTS!!!)

Tom Brady, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God showed him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Patriots flag in the window.
"This house is yours for eternity, Tom," God said. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."

Brady felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the sidewalk, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a blue and white sidewalk and a 50-foot-tall flagpole with an enormous Colts logo flag. A Colts towel hung in every window.

Brady looked at God and said, "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I hold many NFL records, won the Super Bowl three times and I even went to the Hall of Fame."

"So what's your point, Tom?" God asked.

"Well," Brady said, "why does Peyton Manning get a better house than me?" God chuckled. "Tom, that's not Peyton's house," he said. "It's mine."

SSRIs are my friend

Thanks for the encouraging comments on my last post. I think Amy said it best:

There is not really such a thing as a "normal, mentally and emotionally healthy wife and mom". We're all a little crazy.

Well. OK. When you put it that way...I guess I am more or less normal!

At any rate, I took the first dose last night, and although I don't know if this stuff is supposed to start working so quickly, I feel remarkably peppy today. This even though I laid awake for an hour between 4:00 and 5:00 this morning, unable to go to sleep after a nursing session. I woke up rested and ready to go! Have I done anything useful with this energy? Heck yeah...I've nursed a baby at least 10 times already today! I also trimmed her nails for the first time, and am now three for three on trimming a new daughter's *finger* instead of just the nail the first time she got them done.

At least it was the last one, so I was able to finish without her screaming through the rest of her fingers!

Random post-partum musings

My toddler, who previously seemed so little and petite, is suddenly a giant next to her baby sister. How did she grow so much in one day??? Her feet (and I used to marvel at their smallness), they're HUGE. Her hands could palm a basketball. Her head IS THE SIZE of a basketball. No, really.

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Something I forgot to mention in the birth story post...my spayed female cat Lucy was absolutely tripping on the labor and birth hormones the night Arwyn was born. She knew something was going on. She would sit beside me on the sofa during a contraction, looking at me with, I swear, *concern* in her eyes! And then after she would rub her head against me to make it all better. It was actually kind of funny, and that got me through a few of the harder contractions. And Linus, the male cat? Completely oblivious.

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After-pains are EVIL. Oh. my. gosh. Wicked, horrible, hellish. My midwife warned me that they get worse with each child. I knew they had been worse after Aislinn, but it didn't occur to me that it was because she was the second. And this one? Some of them, especially the first couple of days, were as bad as labor contractions. Worse, really, because labor contractions generally only last 60 seconds or less, but these are like menstrual cramps on steroids, and go on for 2, 3 5, 10 minutes. Some made me nauseated, and a couple of times I even got the shakes and chills, like I was shocky. Ugh. Good thing we were planning this to be our last baby, because these after-pains would be enough to keep me from doing this again. Forget labor pains! How do women who have four or five or ten kids do it???

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And on a more serious note...I'm going on Zoloft again. I'm going to talk to the doctor tomorrow when I take Arwyn in for her first visit. This is the earliest onset of post-partum depression for me (well, Audrey's may have been sooner, but it was still more gradual), but by now I know the difference between hormonal weepiness (which I've also been having some) and scary, out-of-control feelings of rage. I'm resolved to the meds, because I know they will work, and quickly, and I really shouldn't be surprised since this has happened both other times. But part of me can't help but feel like a failure, can't help asking, why me? Why can't I be a normal, mentally and emotionally healthy wife and mom?

Arwyn's birth story

(this picks up more or less where my notes in "Blogging birth" leave off. It comes both from my memory and the midwives' notes, and they are basically in agreement except where noted in a few places. As always, reader discretion is advised! Birth is naturally a messy, earthy, graphic, beautiful event, and I have described in as much detail as I am comfortable with, which is a lot...but not too much, IMO! )

11:55 After listening to music, I go out to the living room to get online to post again. At some point it feels like maybe a foot is moving around, and I press on it, and that's when I feel the pop right under my hand. At first nothing happens, but when I start to stand up, I feel the gush! I call Mary Helen, and then sit on the birth ball. I think sometime around now Leo brings Aislinn up because she isn't falling asleep in the basement as hoped. She falls asleep in her crib, and we decide to worry about her later.

12:30 My parents arrive, and I continue sitting on the birth ball.

1:10 MH and S (the midwives) arrive. Leo takes Aislinn downstairs and stays down there with her to sleep awhile. Dad also goes downstairs to sleep. Fetal heart tones (FHT) in the 140s. MH goes up to sleep in her sleeping bag on Audrey's bed, while Summer stays down with me. Mom is also still awake, looking at some magazines.

1:45 I mention wanting to get in the water soon; S suggests I walk around the house for a while and see how that feels. Walking makes the contractions longer and closer together, but amazingly, walking makes it easier to deal with them. Definitely not what I expected.

2:00 FHT 130s to 140s. Did this on the ball, leaning back against the sofa. I have a contraction during FHT check...another gush of water, and it HURTS! I will definitely keep walking, I say. Feeling some pressure in my hips and sacrum.

2:40 I lay down to rest. After one contraction in this position, I say forget it! Standing, sitting, or walking is better than lying down. I fill the tub.

2:50 I'm in the tub. S gets me settled with tub pillows, a drink, etc., and goes back to the living room. I am fine with being alone for now, but soon start to think some company would be nice.

3:00 (or so) S's notes show my contractions are stronger, closer, and longer, lasting one minute. I assume she is able to note this from my groans from the tub.

THINGS START TO SPEED UP

3:19? I feel nauseated, and call out that I need the bowl. S comes and after nausea passes (no puke, just a heave or two), I tell S I am ready for some company.

3:22 I have another contraction, at which I tell S "that felt pushy".

3:25 Next contraction also feels pushy. S suggests I try standing up on the next one to see if that changes the pushy feeling.

3:27 I stand for contraction. DEFINITELY pushy; I think S expected it to feel less pushy, but she decides it's time to go get MH. I tell her to get Leo too. Later I am very very glad I made sure to tell her this.

3:30 S wakes up MH first, then Leo. I have another very pushy contraction while she is gone.

3:32 MH and Leo are in the bathroom, and I have another contraction, and suddenly I feel a head barreling into the birth canal! MH tells me, "Andrea, the head is right there." "YES, I KNOW!" I think I yell. Suddenly, the top of the baby's head is not just visible to observers, but crowning. MH tells me to push gently; I know, because I don't want to tear, but this is happening so fast, and holding back from pushing is hard.

3:32 (still) The head is out! This is the same contraction as at the crowning, just on the second real push. No ring of fire felt. But no time to contemplate this, because another contraction is on the heels of the last. MH's notes say 3:32, but I think it must almost be 3:33. The shoulders are about to come out. I'm still trying to breathe and not push too hard to give myself time to stretch, but there is no stopping this sensation. My body pushes against my will. The shoulders are born, and then the baby is out! I pull baby up and out of the water onto my chest. MH's hands are on the baby to guide it up, but I would say I definitely caught this one myself.

(note the length of time from when MH and Leo woke up [3:30] to when the baby was born [3:33 or :34]...four minutes at the most!)

As I pull baby up, I try to get a glance at the gender, but I can't say definitively. Maybe the cord is in the way. Baby cries and breathes almost immediately, another difference from my other two births. No help needed there! Color is good. I look at MH and say "That was fast! That was SO FAST!" (She even put that quote in her notes!) I look in amazement at Leo...I can't believe this little person is already here, so suddenly!

I use MH's notes that say 3:34 as the official time, but I think it was still 3:33, because it was at least 30 seconds (I think) before anyone stopped to ask the time.

3:41 I push the placenta out in two fairly easy contractions.

3:45 It's time to cut the cord, but I want to check the gender now. Another girl! While I can now confess I was secretly hoping for a boy all along, I feel a strange relief at having another girl. It really doesn't matter...she's perfect, and I can't wait to find out what kind of personality she'll have. And now, Leo cuts the cord. I think sometime about now I ask Mom and Dad come in; I'm wearing a sports bra in the tub, and am further covered by towels covering the baby, so this is fine.

(From this point on, most times are no longer recorded in MH's notes.)

I hand the baby to someone, and MH helps me out of the tub and out to the bedroom, chux pad tucked about me like a diaper. I get onto the bed. MH checks me for tearing, and finds a small v-shaped notch. I say if stitches can be avoided, please let's not do them. (I think the two small stitches I had with Audrey made recovery harder, not easier.) MH says it should be fine and gets me set up with a pair of those lovely mesh postpartum underpants with a frozen witch hazel soaked pad.

4:04 Leo wakes up Audrey, and Aislinn also wakes up. They both come in to meet their new sister. Audrey is enthralled, and doesn't seem too miffed that she missed the birth. Aislinn is extremely wary of this new little creature, looking on with a polite but reserved smile. we all hang out together as a family. MH and S start cleaning up.

4:05 The baby nurses and actually latches on within the first minute of trying, the fastest learner of my 3.

The kids go out to...do something? eat? play? watch tv?

I'm alone with the baby for a few moments, and decide to playfully ask her if her name is Avril or Arwyn (my top choices at that time; I'm leaning toward Avril, partly because Audrey has said she likes the name April, and Avril is French for April). She gurgles a bit, and Isay, "What? Are you giving me an answer? Are you Avril, or Arwyn?" Much to my surprise, she opens her mouth wide and replies, "Arrrr..."

So either she's going to be a pirate, or she's expressed her preference for a first name.

S does the placenta exam to make sure none was left behind. It's normal, though with a "battledore insertion" of the cord.

5:05 MH does the newborn exam (and note how long it is from the time of the birth until this was done...1 1/2 hours! This is the first the baby was taken from me except for a few moments while MH moved me and checked my bottom. In the hospital, she probably would have been taken from me immediately, even though this type of prolonged exam is not urgent.) She listens to the baby's lungs and heart, checks her overall color, and gives her high marks on breathing. She checks the spine and notes a small dimple at the base. She checks her bottom and "girl
parts", and discusses the possibility of small amounts of blood (due to my hormones) in the diaper the first few days (this is normal; we had this with Audrey, but not with Aislinn and so far this time, none). She notes lots of hair and some moderate molding of the skull (the only one of my babies to have this!), and also some slight facial bruising, probably due to her fast exit. The chart also notes the Apgars were 9 and 10.

(My only real surprise on this exam is the absence of birth marks, particularly Mongolian spots, which both of the others have. Perhaps this one will look more Caucasian than the other two...other signs, like her skin tone, which is more pink than olive, also point this way.)

The midwives leave around 5:30, and we all try to get some sleep.

Bliss.

Introducing

Arwyn Xiaohui
(pronounced "shyow-hway", meaning light of the dawn)
who arrived on January 4, 2007
at 3:34 a.m.
weighing 7 lbs 3 oz
measuring 19 1/2 inches




We are all happily getting to know our daughter and sister Arwyn, and even Aislinn is (slowly!) warming up to the idea of not being the baby anymore.

I will post the rest of the story soon (and let me just say when the end came, it came FAST!), but I wanted to let you all know she has arrived!

Blogging birth

(Just realized it's hard to tell if I've updated, so here's the time of the latest update: Jan. 3, 11:32 p.m.)

As always, when I am blogging about childbirth, reader discretion is advised! :) Also, since you are reading this, despite the first few paragraphs, I am almost certainly in labor at this time.

December 22, 2006

I'm not posting this officially until I'm certain I'm in active labor, or until my water breaks. But I'm getting some hints that labor might start soon. A few days ago I felt very much like I was PMSing: grouchy, irritable, and feeling as though acid was coursing through my blood. Last evening and even through the night as I tried to sleep I had lots of cramping and intense Braxton Hicks contractions, some quite uncomfortable, but none I could call true labor contractions. And this morning, despite my lack of rest, I got up with far more energy than I have the right to claim. I'm feeling an irresistible urge to make sure everything is in order for the birth: finish up the week's laundry, wash those baby blankets I bought, make sure things are generally tidy. I really would like to mop the kitchen floor, but I'm not feeling quite that ambitious.

There are also some ambiguous signs that I might be leaking amniotic fluid, but with the small amount I'm feeling, it is too hard to say.

Here are things I still want to get done: sweep the bathroom floor, get all the laundry put away (at least it's all folded), tidy the living room a bit, get the bins with Aislinn's outgrown clothing out of our bedroom and put away.

I'm feeling very bittersweet right now. Anyone remember when I posted this, early when I first started this blog? I'm feeling more certain this time that this is our last baby, which means, of course, this is my last pregnancy, my last birth. And I want to savor every minute, every second of it. I don't want to forget what it feels like when a tiny foot presses against my ribs from the inside, as uncomfortable as it may be, or the wondering of, girl? boy? The anticipation is so sweet.

December 28, 11:18 p.m.

Well, you've figured out by now I'm still here, no baby, by the posts that I've done between the 22nd and 28th. I do think my body was progressing on the 22nd, but that was apparently not the day.

Today I've once again felt a bit crampy, but less so than 6 days ago.

But everything is absolutely ready. I got the very last of the supplies on the list that we were lacking. I even found the receiving blankets I thought I'd lost (along with baby bath towels, the cloth diapers I use as burp cloths, and the sleep positioner). They were in a box that was UNDER another box in the unused bedroom upstairs.

Oh, I guess the tripod for the video camera is still...somewhere. Leo says he knows where it is. In his office, I think. I looked, but did not see it. He'd better get it up here!

I'm realizing it was kind of stupid of me to tell people I was hoping to go the day after Christmas. That's worse than telling them my due date, because ALREADY I'm getting the people asking "Oh, still haven't had that baby yet, huh?"

I'm trying to keep my days fairly normal, getting up around the time I normally would if I had to take Audrey to school, getting daily tasks done...and yet trying to get away with as little as possible, because it doesn't take much to wear me out. After cleaning up breakfast dishes, making the bed, getting myself and Aislinn dressed, and getting a load of laundry started, I'm winded. But I'm getting some good naps in.

Next midwife visit: Saturday morning.

It's late now, though, almost 11:30, so I'd better turn in for the night. I'll update in this post as necessary. But now that the 26th has passed, I'm thinking I'd better settle in for the long haul. I'm reading birth stories from some of my favorite sources (Spiritual Midwifery and Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, both by Ina May Gaskin, and Adventures in Natural Childbirth, author I can't remember) because earlier in this pregnancy, they tended to give me very strong Braxton Hicks contractions...maybe they will put me into labor!

January 3, 2007

I've had some signs today that may be my mucous plug, though it's not coming out in one piece, or even two, as it did with Audrey (I never saw it at all with Aislinn).

4:50 p.m. Getting up from a long nap with Aislinn. I had a few healthy contractions (which could still possibly be Braxton Hicks) that were all 5-8 minutes apart. When I rolled over to get out of bed, I felt a trickle that may or may not have been my bladder.

7:30 p.m. I am almost certain now that the trickle was indeed my water breaking! I have had a few more trickles and there is a pink tinge to it; still no mucous plug, but I think the pink qualifies as "bloody show".

8:50 p.m. Called the midwife again. Contractions are still holding steady at 5 minutes apart; getting a bit more intense, but still very manageable. Midwife (MH, as I will refer to her from now on) says that since they're still manageable, I can try to go to sleep tonight if I want (and I do), though realistically we both know I will likely call her in the middle of the night.

Called my parents; they are on their way as soon as my dad gets back from the drugstore.

Leo had a brainstorm. Aislinn still sleeps in our room, but we were worrying about waking her up with the noise. Sometimes for fun the three of them (Leo, Aislinn, and Audrey) sleep down in the basement, in one of our camping tents. Wouldn't tonight be a great night to put them to sleep down there? We thought so! We'll leave the baby monitor on down there for Aislinn until my parents get here; they'll sleep in the same room on the sofa bed.

I think I'm all ready, the house is clean, etc. While Leo is down with the kids, I'm going to lie down and listen to some quiet music on my lovely new iPod and talk with this baby one more time before it makes its way earthside.

11:32 p.m.

This is likely my last post for the night. I may be calling MH soon to tell her to come. Contractions have slowed down, but are getting harder to handle. I can still get through them, but they are tougher. My dilemma now is...do I try to speed them back up by moving around, or try to get through the night with slow but intense contractions?

Happy New Year

A few days late, but I did want to just check in and say, no, still no baby. Lots of signs that things are progressing, but I don't want to get too detailed so as not to get anyone's hopes up (least of all my own!).

I'll definitely try to post something if I can when I'm sure labor has truly started.