Random post-partum musings
My toddler, who previously seemed so little and petite, is suddenly a giant next to her baby sister. How did she grow so much in one day??? Her feet (and I used to marvel at their smallness), they're HUGE. Her hands could palm a basketball. Her head IS THE SIZE of a basketball. No, really.
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Something I forgot to mention in the birth story post...my spayed female cat Lucy was absolutely tripping on the labor and birth hormones the night Arwyn was born. She knew something was going on. She would sit beside me on the sofa during a contraction, looking at me with, I swear, *concern* in her eyes! And then after she would rub her head against me to make it all better. It was actually kind of funny, and that got me through a few of the harder contractions. And Linus, the male cat? Completely oblivious.
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After-pains are EVIL. Oh. my. gosh. Wicked, horrible, hellish. My midwife warned me that they get worse with each child. I knew they had been worse after Aislinn, but it didn't occur to me that it was because she was the second. And this one? Some of them, especially the first couple of days, were as bad as labor contractions. Worse, really, because labor contractions generally only last 60 seconds or less, but these are like menstrual cramps on steroids, and go on for 2, 3 5, 10 minutes. Some made me nauseated, and a couple of times I even got the shakes and chills, like I was shocky. Ugh. Good thing we were planning this to be our last baby, because these after-pains would be enough to keep me from doing this again. Forget labor pains! How do women who have four or five or ten kids do it???
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And on a more serious note...I'm going on Zoloft again. I'm going to talk to the doctor tomorrow when I take Arwyn in for her first visit. This is the earliest onset of post-partum depression for me (well, Audrey's may have been sooner, but it was still more gradual), but by now I know the difference between hormonal weepiness (which I've also been having some) and scary, out-of-control feelings of rage. I'm resolved to the meds, because I know they will work, and quickly, and I really shouldn't be surprised since this has happened both other times. But part of me can't help but feel like a failure, can't help asking, why me? Why can't I be a normal, mentally and emotionally healthy wife and mom?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Something I forgot to mention in the birth story post...my spayed female cat Lucy was absolutely tripping on the labor and birth hormones the night Arwyn was born. She knew something was going on. She would sit beside me on the sofa during a contraction, looking at me with, I swear, *concern* in her eyes! And then after she would rub her head against me to make it all better. It was actually kind of funny, and that got me through a few of the harder contractions. And Linus, the male cat? Completely oblivious.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After-pains are EVIL. Oh. my. gosh. Wicked, horrible, hellish. My midwife warned me that they get worse with each child. I knew they had been worse after Aislinn, but it didn't occur to me that it was because she was the second. And this one? Some of them, especially the first couple of days, were as bad as labor contractions. Worse, really, because labor contractions generally only last 60 seconds or less, but these are like menstrual cramps on steroids, and go on for 2, 3 5, 10 minutes. Some made me nauseated, and a couple of times I even got the shakes and chills, like I was shocky. Ugh. Good thing we were planning this to be our last baby, because these after-pains would be enough to keep me from doing this again. Forget labor pains! How do women who have four or five or ten kids do it???
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And on a more serious note...I'm going on Zoloft again. I'm going to talk to the doctor tomorrow when I take Arwyn in for her first visit. This is the earliest onset of post-partum depression for me (well, Audrey's may have been sooner, but it was still more gradual), but by now I know the difference between hormonal weepiness (which I've also been having some) and scary, out-of-control feelings of rage. I'm resolved to the meds, because I know they will work, and quickly, and I really shouldn't be surprised since this has happened both other times. But part of me can't help but feel like a failure, can't help asking, why me? Why can't I be a normal, mentally and emotionally healthy wife and mom?
posted by Andrea | 9:24 PM
4 Comments:
I am starting to think that PPD is more normal than anyone wants to admit. I am just glad you're not afraid to admit that you need the help and meds. It's scary to do that and I am thankful that you do. *No one* should have to go through those feelings. (Hug)
You are doing a wonderful job, Andrea the Mother. The guilty thoughts are just an ugly part of the PPD, you know that, so remind yourself of your mothery wonderfulness. The med will kick in soon, I hope, and this too shall pass. Hugs and prayers for you, sweet baby, and family.
Wow. All four bits of this post are things I can relate too!
1. I KNOW. the size of the older child's head is disturbing when a new baby is in the house. You could tie a string to it and it would float above the crowds!
2. My daughter and your cat have the same name.
3. Blechers! After pains! hate them! I swear i needed to keep up my advil dosage just to deal with them.
4. There is not really such a thing as a "normal, mentally and emotionally healthy wife and mom". We're all a little crazy.
I was on Zoloft! Hee! I told you this post just clicked with me!
Brains are funny things. They need what they need, just like our other parts that get temperamental sometimes. Thank God you have access to what you need. It's not a character flaw; it's a biological matter, no more, no less.
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