Good question
Recently an anonymous commenter left the following for me to ponder:
These are good questions, and I don't have any problem answering any of them.
First, would I have been happier not having kids? I don't know. There are some days I wonder. But then Aislinn leans over and gives me one of her big sloppy kisses, or Audrey brings me a bouquet of violets she picked me from the backyard, and then I realize I can't imagine my life, this WORLD, without my kids in it. I think it's possible to be as happy without kids as with. Certainly there are probably people who would have chosen to have children if they could, but for whatever reason, could not, and yet go on to have very fulfilling lives. I have a quote that I use in my signature on the parenting message board I frequent. It's from Sheryl Crow's song "Soak up the Sun", the part that goes "It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got." I'm not always good at following this advice in practice, which is why I made it part of my signature, to remind myself that happiness is a choice, one I can make no matter what my circumstances are. I thank Anon for reminding me of this.
The rest of the questions are all part of what is probably Anon's ultimate question, which I would word as, "How in the world does one decide whether or not to have children?"
I have no easy answer for that one. I do think if one has doubts, then it's good to wait for at least a little while. I think "field research" is a good way to explore the possibility. Find other people's kids to nurture. Nieces or nephews, or even kids of friends. Babysit them, overnight if possible, unless the thought of an overnight fills you with terror. Then you should start off slower, an hour here, a couple of hours there, then maybe an afternoon or a whole day. You might surprise yourself at how much fun you can have with them. But it will also be a huge reality check as to how much work they can be.
I suppose I was one of those people for whom having children was a given, but I think it would have been wise if I had done a little more of this "field research" than I did. I didn't babysit much in high school or college. I did a little in my late 20s, but no overnights or even afternoons; in fact, most of my babysitting time was spent watching TV after the kiddos were in bed. GREAT insights into parenthood, I tell you (NOT!). I had one nephew before Audrey was born, but he lived far away in China, so he was not really an option for an overnight.
Truthfully, I went into parenthood very unprepared, with a lot of high-minded ideas about how I was going to do it. Some of my ideals I have stuck with, others I've compromised on and tried not to be such a perfectionist about changing my mind. For example, I was committed to extended breastfeeding, and while I succeeded in nursing Audrey until she weaned herself when she was ready (which was my goal) at 3 1/2 (which I more or less expected), I did not anticipate the mixed feelings I would have about breastfeeding. It's the best thing for babies, I've no doubt in my mind, and I do believe that it's best to let them wait until they are ready to quit. But I have to ask myself...was it worth the apparent risk of my mental health? I think I stuck it out more because I am a perfectionist and out of guilt, less because I truly believe it's best for babies (though I do). I don't think this is the best way to start a parent/child relationship, nursing a baby out of guilt. In some ways, I think I might have been a better mom if I had let myself off the hook and at least weaned her a little earlier. With Aislinn, it's different. I don't feel as ambivalent this time around, partly because I took care of the post partum depression much earlier. She may wean earlier anyway, simply because she's not as high-need as Audrey. Whatever, I've given myself permission to wean her earlier if nursing seems to be more a guilt-induced burden and less of a benefit to both of us.
Anyway, that's just an example of how unprepared I was. I had no clue about the effort that went into just being emotionally present for one's children, let alone their daily care and feeding. Still, if I were going to do things differently, I don't think I would NOT have kids...but I would probably have them earlier. Yes, earlier. When I still had energy, before I got so independent that it started to feel like an inconvenience to help my child learn how to fall asleep instead of letting her cry it out. I don't mean that I think I should have let them cry it out; I do mean I wish I did not feel it was an imposition on my time. In my case, I think waiting made me more selfish. I also think I missed out an a HUGE amount of energy reserves that I had when I was younger, that are simply not there today. I saw this played out in my pregnancies. Audrey's was very easy, enjoyable even. When I was pregnant with Aislinn, as you may have just read in her birth story, she couldn't come soon enough for me (or so it seemed). I was exhausted and my back hurt and four and a half years made a HUGE difference in how I handled pregnancy, let alone motherhood. Thank goodness Aislinn is my easy child! I can't imagine having the easy one first and letting all that reserve energy go to waste!
Anon, I can't tell you what to do. I do know that even on my worst days, I don't regret having my kids. Mostly I just long for the days when I don't need to keep opening and closing baby gates for Audrey, when I am done changing diapers, when they're both old enough to read to themselves, when I'm done breastfeeding, when they don't need a story at bedtime or an extra kiss after I turn out the lights...
Wait a minute. Am I so sure about that?
Thank you for voicing what I suspect many stay-at-home moms feel. Do you ever wonder, if you had it to do all over again, if you would have been happier not having kids? (You don't have to answer that, I'm just thinking aloud here.) I'm 27 and think about this a lot. My husband and I are very happy and I LOVE my job and I feel very satisfied and fulfilled. I wonder if it would be a mistake for us to have children -- or, if I don't, I wonder whether I would regret that decision. It seems as though to a lot of people, having children is a given. Is that how you felt or did you go through any "turmoil" trying to decide whether or not to become a mom?
These are good questions, and I don't have any problem answering any of them.
First, would I have been happier not having kids? I don't know. There are some days I wonder. But then Aislinn leans over and gives me one of her big sloppy kisses, or Audrey brings me a bouquet of violets she picked me from the backyard, and then I realize I can't imagine my life, this WORLD, without my kids in it. I think it's possible to be as happy without kids as with. Certainly there are probably people who would have chosen to have children if they could, but for whatever reason, could not, and yet go on to have very fulfilling lives. I have a quote that I use in my signature on the parenting message board I frequent. It's from Sheryl Crow's song "Soak up the Sun", the part that goes "It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you've got." I'm not always good at following this advice in practice, which is why I made it part of my signature, to remind myself that happiness is a choice, one I can make no matter what my circumstances are. I thank Anon for reminding me of this.
The rest of the questions are all part of what is probably Anon's ultimate question, which I would word as, "How in the world does one decide whether or not to have children?"
I have no easy answer for that one. I do think if one has doubts, then it's good to wait for at least a little while. I think "field research" is a good way to explore the possibility. Find other people's kids to nurture. Nieces or nephews, or even kids of friends. Babysit them, overnight if possible, unless the thought of an overnight fills you with terror. Then you should start off slower, an hour here, a couple of hours there, then maybe an afternoon or a whole day. You might surprise yourself at how much fun you can have with them. But it will also be a huge reality check as to how much work they can be.
I suppose I was one of those people for whom having children was a given, but I think it would have been wise if I had done a little more of this "field research" than I did. I didn't babysit much in high school or college. I did a little in my late 20s, but no overnights or even afternoons; in fact, most of my babysitting time was spent watching TV after the kiddos were in bed. GREAT insights into parenthood, I tell you (NOT!). I had one nephew before Audrey was born, but he lived far away in China, so he was not really an option for an overnight.
Truthfully, I went into parenthood very unprepared, with a lot of high-minded ideas about how I was going to do it. Some of my ideals I have stuck with, others I've compromised on and tried not to be such a perfectionist about changing my mind. For example, I was committed to extended breastfeeding, and while I succeeded in nursing Audrey until she weaned herself when she was ready (which was my goal) at 3 1/2 (which I more or less expected), I did not anticipate the mixed feelings I would have about breastfeeding. It's the best thing for babies, I've no doubt in my mind, and I do believe that it's best to let them wait until they are ready to quit. But I have to ask myself...was it worth the apparent risk of my mental health? I think I stuck it out more because I am a perfectionist and out of guilt, less because I truly believe it's best for babies (though I do). I don't think this is the best way to start a parent/child relationship, nursing a baby out of guilt. In some ways, I think I might have been a better mom if I had let myself off the hook and at least weaned her a little earlier. With Aislinn, it's different. I don't feel as ambivalent this time around, partly because I took care of the post partum depression much earlier. She may wean earlier anyway, simply because she's not as high-need as Audrey. Whatever, I've given myself permission to wean her earlier if nursing seems to be more a guilt-induced burden and less of a benefit to both of us.
Anyway, that's just an example of how unprepared I was. I had no clue about the effort that went into just being emotionally present for one's children, let alone their daily care and feeding. Still, if I were going to do things differently, I don't think I would NOT have kids...but I would probably have them earlier. Yes, earlier. When I still had energy, before I got so independent that it started to feel like an inconvenience to help my child learn how to fall asleep instead of letting her cry it out. I don't mean that I think I should have let them cry it out; I do mean I wish I did not feel it was an imposition on my time. In my case, I think waiting made me more selfish. I also think I missed out an a HUGE amount of energy reserves that I had when I was younger, that are simply not there today. I saw this played out in my pregnancies. Audrey's was very easy, enjoyable even. When I was pregnant with Aislinn, as you may have just read in her birth story, she couldn't come soon enough for me (or so it seemed). I was exhausted and my back hurt and four and a half years made a HUGE difference in how I handled pregnancy, let alone motherhood. Thank goodness Aislinn is my easy child! I can't imagine having the easy one first and letting all that reserve energy go to waste!
Anon, I can't tell you what to do. I do know that even on my worst days, I don't regret having my kids. Mostly I just long for the days when I don't need to keep opening and closing baby gates for Audrey, when I am done changing diapers, when they're both old enough to read to themselves, when I'm done breastfeeding, when they don't need a story at bedtime or an extra kiss after I turn out the lights...
Wait a minute. Am I so sure about that?
posted by Andrea | 3:35 PM
3 Comments:
I just had to weigh in...
I think the decision whether or not to have kids is something that each person just HAS to make -- and if you don't think you're ready (even if that's never), no one should EVER pressure you into having kids. You should never have kids to give your parents grandkids or to give cousins someone to play with.
I never got pressure from my parents but once another family member started "trying", there was some pressure to give theirs a cousin. That made me more stubborn and upset because I didn't want to feel like I'd given her her way! (But by that time we were "ready" and hers DID get a cousin...)
I don't regret having the boy or having waited until now (30+) to have done so. But even with experience, there's so much you don't know... and you won't know until you get your own kid!
My friends and I all joked that we knew ALL about raising kids... before we got our own. We were all teachers and KNEW what parents ought to do, but, boy, when it's your own kid, the shoe's on the other foot!
I for one would tell Anonymous that not everyone has to have kids. My brother and sister-in-law (with no kids) are a SUPER DUPER set of aunt-and-uncle and the boy adores them, even if he doesn't get to see them enough. They love to have fun with the kiddies but are just enjoying their kitty and their friends instead of having kids. If they do (someday), that'll be great, too, but I am not holding my breath -- it's their choice!!!
Well put. You summed it up very well.
My oldest son weaned himself at 10 months. Just bit me one morning and never came back. He liked a bottle of milk until he was 19 months.
Middle son also weaned himself at about 12 months, but he did like his bottle of diluted juice until he was 21 months. When I got him off that, he got constipated because of lack of fluids.
Youngest son was nursing 14 months, and would have kept going, mostly for comfort, except I did not want to be wearing a nursing bra through another hot summer on the prairie. He had always liked juice in a sippy cup, so I began putting warm milk in one. He never did take a bottle, went from mom to sippy.
There was never, ever any doubt in my younger mind that I would have babies. I love babies, always played with dolls, always babysitting, bedtime stories and overnights every chance.
Trouble was finding a man to help with the children, and who had the same idea of family and togetherness and stay-at-home mom even when financially in the pits. I got a good guy back then. Our empty nest is hitting us pretty hard, and we are working hard at having life Without Children.
My advice is to go with what your own instincts are hollering. Ambivalence and outside forces are not big selling points for parenthood.
A committment of 21 years to raise a child is not to be taken lightly.
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