Stuff Portrait Friday: Horrible Habits, Obsessions, and Anxieties

Hop on over to Kristine's place at Random and Odd for more info on Stuff Portrait Fridays.

My horrible habit:


(It was hard just figuring out how to take this picture, which is part of the reason it's not so great; I finally just set things up and had Audrey push the button.)

I have chewed on my cuticles for years. It's what I do instead of biting my nails, though it's no less destructive, I know (probably more). My thumbs are always the worst. They are actually not too bad right now, mainly since it's summer and the humidity is high. When the air gets really dry, so does my skin, and my cuticles...ok, virtually all the skin on the top of my thumb is destroyed. And even though summers are usually good, they're looking fairly bad right now (for summer). It's definitely one way I cope with stress. Leo has been working a lot, Aislinn has been going through separation anxiety, and I have been one frazzled, over-worked mommy. We really should do this SPF again sometime in January, so you can see how bad they can REALLY get.

What I obsess over:


Because I'm a perfectionist, and I consider being a mom the most important job I will ever have, I am always second-guessing myself with my kids. My (not entirely healthy) obsession is with being the best parent ever. Are they getting enough sleep, is Audrey eating enough vegetables and not too much candy? (and OH am I strict with candy...but if you saw one of her sugar-induced tantrums, you would be too.) Are we strict enough or too strict? Too harsh with discipline? Too inconsistent? Shouldn't I play with them more? Are their toys the good educational kind? Do I let them wear too many hand-me-downs? Or do I buy them too many unnecessary new clothes? The whole dilemma over homeschooling was part of this, and could have turned into an obsession of its own. The only reason I was able to breastfeed Audrey past the first month was guilt; I was sure I would be a terrible mother if I quit, no matter how much it hurt, no matter how much it stressed me out. I am very careful not to judge other parents who do things differently, so in reality I know there is more than one way to be a good parent. But I am not so careful about judging myself, because my kids are the most precious things in the world to me, and sometimes the responsibility of bringing them up "right" (whatever that is) seems overwhelming. So I obsess.

My anxiety:


I have terrible math anxiety. I haven't always been this way. I think I can trace it back to seventh grade, when I somehow passed a test that got me into a freshman level algebra class. I was one of only 5 seventh-graders in a class among eight-graders who also qualified. I was used to overachieving in grade school, so imagine my shock when I got a big fat C on my report card. The following year I went up to the high school for the geometry class, where I continued to perform in this underwhelming manner. The truth is that I'm not terrible at math; but I am just average. But the C was a huge blow to my ego, and I think that's when I became afraid of numbers. This has, unfortunately, carried over to money a bit, so anything like check-balancing, bill-paying, or investing immediately sends my brain into shutdown. I can do it, but I'm quite happy to hand it over to Leo, a stereotypical Asian math-whiz who can do the most unimaginably difficult math problems in his head.

I once thought I would take an exam to be a postal carrier (money is decent, and they have great benefits). But when I ordered the practice exam, (which included math problems, mostly about weight and stamp prices) I was horrified to learn that calculators would not be allowed at the actual exam. I tried doing the practice exam without it, but could not even come up with the right answers when I DID use a calculator. That sealed it in my head. I was a math idiot, so there was no point ever trying to do any kind of job that required more than making change (which, ironically, I am quite good at).